June 2011
8 posts
“I’d rather you flood my yard. Soap kills fish.”
– Out of context, a little strange.
“Let’s just keep making dirty jokes and no one has to know about my...”
Oh...
Matty: I wanted to feel it this time --
Matty: Across a thousand miles.
Payment plan
Matty: I have a really long tongue and i can breathe through my ears.
Because normally it's not.
Matty: I have an exercise ball so we can make doing doggy style fun
“Oh hi, let’s pretend neither of us are thinking about how rock hard my...”
“we were talking shit about you.”
– Thanks for the honesty
February 2011
1 post
Still not okay with that.
Matty: I want to make a baby.
R: You... want to make a baby?
Matty: Not like, all the way...
Matty: But I want to start.
July 2010
1 post
“I feel like I fed last night.”
June 2010
1 post
Happy Fathers Day
Matty: another father's day gone by and nobody knocked on my door
Matty: whew
R: you have another 4 and a half hours
Matty: i disconnected my doorbell
November 2009
4 posts
Wonder What Fatty This Is About
Matty: the shortis are cheap right now, i could spend the whole lot on like.. 6 sandwiches
Matty: drop one every few feet
Matty: and he'll eat his way to the middle of the street
Matty: BAM
The Face of Puberty
Matty: I want to see her face when she looks for them
Matty: with her beach hat and a sunglasses
Matty: and a glass of cold water
Matty: ready to go kool out.
Matty: It'll make her a woman.
October 2009
10 posts
8===D ... ?
Matty: SHOW ME YOUR WEINER
Well, of course.
Matty: Just like my plan to make Danny a man involves him crying.
And You me.
Matty: Tommy Lee scares the shit out of me.
What Matty Desires in a Mate
Matty: "Oh my bed is free for you, I'll just find a nice spot on the floor here"
Matty: "and soak in the beer,"
Matty: "while Andrew talks in his sleep"
Matty: "and I'll have nightmares instead"
Matty: "while you relax in the temperature controlled room."
Every Woman's Dream
Matty: Need to listen to music
Matty: and stand up,
Matty: but not put on pants.
That's One Way to Stike Up a Conversation
Matty: Should I tell him I'm wearing her underoos?
Oh, okay.
Matty: Now I'm
Matty: fucking.
No.
Matty: You know when you forget to put deodarant on
Matty: and you end up playing sports or something?
Matty: That funk that stays on your clothes?
Matty: More like that spunk that stays on your clothes!
Matty: Amirite?
Watch
August 2009
15 posts
What did you think you were getting paid to do?
Matty: Should I be moderating how you and her talk about used panties ?
But You Gave Me 25 and Herpes
Matty: There's this line in a blues song,
Matty: That made me think of you
Matty: I gave you seven children
Matty: and now you wanna give them back
Matty: It's one in a list of many reasons why shit sucks for B.B. King
Matty: but that one, that's you.
At What Point of Clothing Removal Does That Occur?
Matty: I'm too naked to look at you.
Galactic Erotica
Matty: I wanna show you my wormhole.
You Can Guess Who.
Tommy: He came out?
Matty: I wish
Tommy: strange answer..
Benefits of Ex Roommates
Matty: Oh yeah,
Matty: we used all your kool aid singles
Matty: ... in a salad dressing thing.
Matty: My bad.
Matty: I dunno I feel bad about that.
Matty: I told you I shit in your cereal,
Matty: But kool aid singles
Matty: ... I feel like you can't fuck with that..
On Air Conditioning
Matty: I looked back at the kids in the living room,
Matty: saw Bre's back glistening with sweat, and the sun coming up in the window;
Matty: left them for dead.
Matty: It was cold, but not as cold as that air conditioning.
This One Is For The Masses
Matty: I call them chin titties,
Matty: 'cause there's two of them
Matty: and they're hairy.
Dual Duels
Matty: You know how many grandfathers I've dueled?
Matty: 2.
Matty: One was mine though;
Matty: No no, he was drunk,
Matty: Yeah,
Matty: it would have been awkward
Matty: if my whole family wasn't cheering him on.
Matty: They always think I cheated
Matty: It's a weird legacy to live with..
True Friends
Matty: Maybe he knew if I showed up you'd try to touch me.
Matty: He did me a solid.
Like Russian Roulette
Matty: Hey I can't help it if when you're drunk I have sex with you.
Matty: It's always a gamble.
Matty: Will she remember? Will she remember?
Isn't That True Love Though?
Matty: Related, when people ask me to describe the clitoris, I say its a lot like our relationship,
Matty: I like to humor you, but really it's all about me getting off.
Somehow Not Surprised
Matty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPL8TTjn_KY
Matty: I do this.. every night.
Should I Bring a Condom?
Matty: You don't have to, I'll have a chainsaw.
Always an Activist
Matty: I don't want us to share the memories.
Matty: That's one step closer to you having rights,
Matty: and no women should ever have any rights.
Matty: Except for one
Matty: ... which is why I named my penis "women's rights,"
Matty: 'cause I'm fighting to give it to you
July 2009
31 posts
Gotta Stop Drinking
Matty: ... so I was there
Matty: hammering away at you,
Matty: nailing in the goods
Matty: ...screwing in the juice.
Oh, Obviously
Matty: Why didn't you yell at him while, I assume,
Matty: he was in the corner giggling into his phone
Matty: touching himself.
Matty: You must have known he was texting me.
I Did Invite That Bitch
R: Why didn't you come over last night?
Matty: Oh,
Matty: Yeah, lemme see,
Matty: I'll check my invitation.
Matty: Mmm, it's not in the texts, maybe it was a missed call.
Matty: No wait, I picked up all my calls last night.
Matty: Lemme check my email.
Matty: Nope, just more dirty pictures you keep sending me,
Matty: Unless you're holding a sign in one of them that says "come over."
Matty: Nope, they all just tell me to come somewhere else.
Don't We All
Matty: Wanna see my wet pussy?
Matty: I'm kidding.
Matty: I'd never throw my kitty in the shower.
Matty: ...I keep it dirty.
Cause He Knows Best.
Matty: I wanna fuck Hulk Hogan.
Abortion Rallies.
Matty: I love when the news gives me something to jerk off to.
More Towel?
Matty: Wanna see whats on the other side of my towel?
But I Can Feel It
Matty: When people ask me to describe my love for you
Matty: I usually say its a lot like the clitoris,
Matty: I don't believe it exists.
Two Keys, One Lock.
Matty: I should redefine what 'kiss' means;
Matty: me and that dude DP'd her..
Matty: and not like, one guy came in the front and the other came in the back...
Matty: the backdoor was the one unlocked, know what I mean?
7 tags
Tommy's Fantasy
Matty: I just had a dream about you,
Matty: sort of.
Tommy: You're like the third person to tell me that in two days.
Matty: It was you, me, and these two girls from West Chester in my living room
Matty: and we're laughing and playing this game
Matty: where we try to stick our fingers in a toaster one of the girls is holding, and we're all getting zapped and having fun
Matty: and then at some point somebody puts on Slayer in the other room and I start headbanging like a pro
Matty: until I vomit over everyone.
Matty: I go, and clean it up, and we play the toaster game again.
Matty: Until Slayer comes back on.
Tommy: Do I get vomited on?
Matty: and it happens again.
Matty: Yeah, you looked at me and sloshed some off your face and said something.
Matty: You weren't angry at all.
Tommy: I doubt I would be.